Carlos Lwanga On Life And Other Unremarkable Things

this web geneva; font-size: small;”>Am I a child or am I a man? Maybe I am neither or maybe I am both, maybe I am what you’d call a childish man or a manish child. It’s confusing. I don’t know what I am and it’s my greatest problem.

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It’s ironic because it actually defines who I am. I’ve lived the vast majority of my life trying to answer that question not always with the best result, never ever with the best results actually.

It’s not always easy to admit when you’re wrong, I never admit when I’m wrong. I put up high walls with strong towers and hide behind a gate of my own self importance just so that I don’t ever have to admit that I’m wrong.

It, as high walls and strong towers are apt to do, isolates me from those I love and even though it has never failed me, is a double edged sword. It hurts me more than it’s supposed to help me. Enough of high walls and strong towers then.

Tear them down. Pull the bricks and burn the timber. Today the mighty castle falls, today I admit I was wrong.

I am young and with it comes an unreasonable belief in the labor of my hands and the strength of my thoughts. It’s funny because I can’t keep using that excuse anymore. Something else I’m good at, excuses.

I acted in a very selfish manner recently, I did what I thought was good for myself. I did the math and the calculations were valid but there was one variable I didn’t consider, one variable I didn’t equate.

I didn’t think about the one’s I cared about, I didn’t think about how they’d be affected until I saw it before my own eyes, images of disappointment, mistrust and of course pain.

What was I thinking? At that time I thought I was thinking but it turned out I thought wrong because I wasn’t thinking, I was only day dreaming and that’s where the problem lay.

Idealism and selfishness has a way of fogging our vision, blinding us until we find we’re inside the wrong end of the high towers and strong walls if there’s such a thing as the right end.

I learnt the hard way. We don’t live for ourselves, we live for those around us and we live for each other. Animals know this why shouldn’t we.

I learnt this because someone gave me the opportunity to start over, to define myself in a way that makes not only me proud but also those I care about. A new page and a new day.

Redemption is such a beautiful idea, don’t you think, utterly beautiful. I’ll work for that and so can you. Mistakes will always happen but they can be overcome. Be a better person and always remember that little word called responsibility

Now I’ll write of the death of the childish man and the manish child and I’ll write about a man. This is the first page. This is the first day.


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